I have been sick. Like, puke your guts out until you can't even sit up straight sick. Honestly, in my adult memory, I cannot remember ever being quite this sick. I am finally back to "normal," but all of the things that I have let slide over the past few days came pounding on my door today. I feel like I am always one step away from all of the balls I have in the air crashing to the ground. I heard someone use the analogy of "margins" to explain this phenomenon once. The idea being that most of us live our life with no margin-room, we plan and schedule and prepare right up to the very edge of our life. Then, when "life" happens (i.e. you get sick), there is no wiggle room. That would explain me, and I know if I am to be successful in this homeschooling thing, I need to change it.
This first year has been a real year of identification for me. I have evolved from a person who not once referred to herself as a "homeschooling mom," to one who does so frequently. And, let me tell you, this transformation has not come quickly or easily.
I can't say I ever had that one great spiritual "experience" where I felt God "calling" me to homeschool my boys. Frankly, I still have doubts nearly every day if this is what I am supposed to be doing. And, I have no close family members who have undertaken this same journey. And, let's remember that I have never walked this road before either. My entire educational experience can be relegated mostly to public school. Therefore, I have no experience from which to draw. Most days I feel like I am in a black hole, feeling my way around for the next step. And, I send up a prayer that I am not doing damage to my precious babies in the meantime.
So, I ask myself: WHY am I doing this? What is really motivating me? Because, let's be honest, homeschooling is not something one takes on as a hobby.
In a nutshell, here are my primary reasons for doing this:
(1) relationship with my children: I want to be the one to teach them and to watch them learn.
(2) I want them to learn what I want them to learn.
(3) I want their education to be completely focused around God and the Bible.
(4) I want them to have the benefit of one-on-one time with their teacher (me!) every day!
(5) flexibility: I want to be able to go places with my children whenever I want.
(6) Homeschooled children are generally brighter and more confident (generally).
(7) I would love for my children to avoid the "socialization" that occurs in public schools today (and is getting worse with every passing year).
I wish I could say I have finally reached that point where I am completely sold out on the notion of homeschooling. I think I am almost there. I need to be there, because my heart has to be completely settled. I need to answer with a voice of authority when my son asks me why his life is different than his friends.
I pray He continues to open my eyes to ways He can use this adventure to glorify Him.